I am officially 33 1/2 weeks today and the next month and a half I’m sure will be gone before I know it. I spent most of July adjusting to not working and finding out how to fill my days without feeling like I did nothing or did too much. I have a really hard time just sitting around relaxing without feeling lazy. So most days I gotta admit…. I do way too much. Most of you reading this are probably thinking….. “Oooohhh poor you. You have all summer off and don’t have to work…..boo hoo” I’m not complaining….. it’s just that it can get pretty boring.
Everyone keeps saying how nice it must be to have all summer off. You’re right…. for the first few weeks it was. I got soooo much done the first month! I got all my banking and budgeting done, emails answered, errands run, returns and exchanges done, documents filed (I even organized my computer pictures into dated folders), laundry caught up, the house cleaned, nursery room projects complete, sewing and mending done, groceries bought, gardening done….. then I hit a stand still. A day off is great when you have things to get done or someone to enjoy it with. But when everyone is working, two and a half months off by yourself can get a little mundane. Add on the fact that being 8 months pregnant changes the amount of physical work or activity I can take on in a day as well. So for those of you curious what I do on a typical day….. you asked for it.
7:30 am– First I wake up…… did I even sleep? I just spent all night trying to get comfortable amidst a never ending mass of pregnancy pillows that were propped and squeezed underneath every curve and bump of my prego body. Finally after several hours I finally managed to get comfortable enough to start drifting into a sleepy abyss……oh wait….. yup….I just threw up in my mouth. Hello acid reflex. So after dining on a midnight snack of orange, berry and grape flavored Tums I manage to fall into sleep…. AKA into pregnancy dreams. No one warned me how random these would be! Wrestling alligators in Madonna’s backyard, oversea voyages on Robin William’s personal fishing boat, being a backup dancer for Prince’s come back tour or the time I dreamt that I kept forgetting my child in the check out line. So after sleeping in 45 minutes increments all night I am out of bed by 8:00 and in serious need of a nap already. I make myself a peanut butter laden bagel while watching some trashy morning t.v show and then I check my emails. I read a few blog posts and by then it’s hopefully 8:45.
9:00 am– I start cleaning. Whatever I can find to clean that is. Because I have already cleaned my house……like REALLY cleaned my house, like borderline OCD cleaned my house. I’ve already vacuumed out all my cupboards, cleaned the fridge and freezer, dusted the baseboards, organized my pantry, color coordinated my closet, refolded my linens, purged and donated household items, organized all the electric cords in the closet, sorted through all my old makeup and cosmetic items, organized my craft room, polished the wood furniture and tidied my shoe closet….. So my big clean of the day is putting away last night’s dishes and sweeping the kitchen. Woop de doo…. Now what…
9:45 am – Gym time! I complete an Olympic style dive into my workout pants…. and manually squash myself into my workout top and drive to the gym. After several minutes of strategically positioning myself on the stationary bike I start pedaling only to realize that I nearly wind myself each time I pedal as my knees now smash into my stomach. Well….. I guess my body is no longer ergonomically correct to ride the bike. So up to the weight room to do my workout program. After breaking a sweat from merely stretching I start my workout. Not only am I grunting like a wild animal, but every time I switch from a standing to sitting position I need to put my head between my knees so I don’t pass out from blood loss to my brain. Finally an hour later, my workout is done but I’m exhausted and I still have to get back to a standing position. (Ever see a beetle stuck on it’s back?!…. yeah that’s a pretty accurate description)
11:00am – I have some time to kill before lunch so I decide to go shopping…. for nothing specific that I need, everything I want and nothing that I have money to buy. Ever went clothes shopping while pregnant!? That’s interesting. I officially only own 3 items of maternity clothing and all of them are tank tops. I was determined that I wasn’t going to waste money on overpriced prego clothes to only wear them for a few months and then have them sit in my closet collecting dust. So no maternity stores for me. Which leaves me shopping in my favorite stores where my body fits… well nothing…. and how do you shop for a body that seems to change overnight anyways?! If you’re smart you don’t. But I on the other hand, naively take a bunch of trendy clothes into the change room that I assume still fit, only to realize that I can’t even come close to buttoning up those cute skinny jeans. Due to the fact that they are five sizes too small and because I can’t see over my belly to figure out where the buttons are anyways. So I put the clothes back and waddle out of the mall.
12:00pm – I’m home, so I make myself what I feel constitutes as lunch (crackers and cheese, a banana, a couple cookies and a popsicle) and yet again sit on the couch for 20 minutes watching part of a trashy daytime soap opera or the shopping channel. Now what?! Nothing to do around the house. I’ve already cleaned, exercised and went shopping. Hmmmm, It’s summer time so I guess I’ll go to the beach?! I slather up my belly with sunscreen, and hope that I can bend over far enough to get some sunscreen on my legs… I get as far as my thighs and knees…. screw it…. good enough. Then I slap on my bathing suit and
moo-moo cover-up, pack my beach bag and floaty mattress, drive to the beach and set up my towel.
1:00 pm – Now time to relax….. not so fast. I’m pregnant so the assumed tanning position of lying on my back is out of the question. Ooohh I’ll lie on my stomach…. oh wait! I have three new mounds to accommodate for. I could dig out a small burrow in the sand underneath me?! Oh who am I kidding?! I’d be digging a hole comparable to a WW2 trench before I was comfortable enough to lie face down. I guess I lie on my side?! That’s uncomfortable, awkward and serves for poor tan lines. I guess it’s time to float on the water. I pump up my air mattress which leaves me panting and sweaty and head into the water. Once I’m waist deep I decide to get on my floaty. I forget that my greased up sunscreen body has absolutely no friction when trying to beach myself up onto a slippery wet plastic floaty. After I elegantly shoot across the top of my mattress head first into the water I realize this isn’t as easy as it looks. I finally manage to get onto my air mattress (with a mild case of indecent exposure to nearby boaters) and I relax. Twenty minutes later my back hurts, my neck is sore, I’m hungry, and my calves are sun burnt. I head back to shore, have a snack (sitting cross legged with my belly resting on my thighs is a far cry from an attractive view) and repeat the process of getting on the floaty all over again. Two hours later I’m bored, frustrated and physically exhausted.
3:00 pm– After a cold shower and comfy clothes I guess I’ll relax and read. I grab my novel, set my favorite zero-gravity chair in the shade and read my book. An hour into my book, my back is buckling under the weight of my belly… zero gravity my ass…. maybe if I was submerged underwater or on a space craft that would be more accurate. I’m fighting to keep my eyes open so back in the house for a nap.
4:00 pm -I’m finally nestled into the seemingly shrinking narrow couch…. with every decorative pillow propped around me. After battling to find a comfy position I finally head into my room and try to get comfortable there.
5:00 pm– I’m in bed and I think I might be able to actually get some sleep. YES! (But I have no idea what time it is either)
5:15 pm– Hubby walked in the door after my brief 14 minute nap and says “Hi baby! You look like you’ve had a relaxing day…. what are we doing for dinner?”
Awwwww crap…. I guess we’re eating macaroni and cheese.
So for those of you that envy my unemployed life…. it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sure in an ideal world it would be. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d be sipping wine and eating soft cheeses on a patio with a girlfriend all afternoon after a long and successful day of shopping for beautiful clothes that fit my lean body…. then head home relaxed and energized to prepare a beautiful dinner. But no….. I’m 8 months pregnant sipping water and eating Tums by myself after a long and exhausting day of trying to fit into skinny jeans, followed by practically drowning myself at the lake only to come home too exhausted to even think of dinner and too prego to be able to get comfortable enough for a nap.
Just another day in the life of a stay at home pregnant wife…. but hey. It’s not that bad. After all…. if for the next 7 weeks I accomplish nothing else…. I’m still doing the best thing ever…. creating a new life. Id say that`s a pretty big accomplishment.
I see all those moms who can do everything and then I think….. I should have them do some stuff for me. ~ Author Unknown